I left the U.S. for home in a blur two months ago.
It stayed that way — gauzy and unfamiliar — for weeks.
In March, as the spread of the coronavirus threatened global travel, I booked a flight from Washington, D.C., my temporary home for the last two months, so that I could hunker down with my parents, my 15-year-old sister and my grandmother. I scrambled to shove four years of my college life into three bags and flew more than 8,000 miles. But when I finally greeted my family in the three-bedroom apartment I grew up in, there was little comfort.
![Today I'm thinking of the life I left behind. Where would I be? What would I be doing right now?](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/bba2a03/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-behind-bc3c7fd33c9237fda3cbcb5530e7338a407b90ec.jpg)
![I stepped out of my room for a while after days. It smells like rain. And home.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/1f31faf/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-rain-0ea91cffb09eaec7a1d65bcb1853ab630d4165eb.jpg)
The world was in crisis mode, and I wanted to be a part of my family, but I had to isolate for two weeks in my childhood bedroom, still painted purple and pink.
I could only leave my room to go to the bathroom and to shower. I was served meals on plates that piled on my dresser because no one else was allowed to touch them. I would sit on my bed and talk to my sister while she sat on a chair outside my room. I couldn't touch or hug anyone. These measures would keep us safe.
![I use a different set of everything. I'm home but everything feels alien.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/81ca8b3/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-alien-ccfe83d2503f9be49b8c89d0382db6406ac94143.jpg)
![I looked at old photos with my sister who sat near my bedroom doorway.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/98d51ba/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-doorway-b9d39cf6f78c4b72ead7eaf5d084188408a4e3b1.jpg)
Yet my bedroom, which was supposed to be a safe space throughout self-isolation, brought back memories and triggers of some of the darkest times of my life. When I was around 16, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As a teenager, I spent hours feeling intensely small and sad in that room. Left alone there now at 22, at times I felt like I had never left.
So I took photos as a way of processing the overwhelming.
This series of 14 photographs explores the various emotions that 14 days of self-isolation brought.
![I spend hours and hours and hours in this room. I've made a warm nest for myself.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/c20acfa/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-nest-45bbea9469f585b649c9e33eadc565d6b17febd7.jpg)
![On almost all days, I only step out of my room to shower.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/d0bbb54/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-shower-39c139ccc6847b22cc53e9631bd1aa1dfea0272d.jpg)
![My view as I start my work day. Right as the sun sets.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/c84c10d/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-workview-5576ee20f3ae68c04a6ee6d4a5835a0c0c8dc589.jpg)
Isolation will make you think about the things that the chaos of life tunes out. Who am I when I'm alone? What would I be doing if I'd stayed in Washington? When will life feel normal again?
I was nervous about falling back into old patterns and coming to a standstill. I've worked at managing my anxiety and when I have a bad day, I can usually brush it off. In my bedroom, I would still get anxious and feel low, but the little things showed me the progress I've made: I could get myself to tidy up; I'd catch myself humming and listening to music; I was making art — things I couldn't do in this room when I was 16.
![Day in and day out. I open and draw the curtains. Day in and day out.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/03244ee/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-curtain-631858fc6b5016eed668f4c1bfc71fc82fe37d89.jpg)
![I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety while I spent a lot time in this room. I feel blue.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/b9bb9d0/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-diagnosis-4a07457fa007562f27983e990d2d7d818bce2cc5.jpg)
Creating these photographs reminded me that although isolating here in this room with old ghosts, I'm resilient. It was a way to realize that even if the room is the same, I am different.
![Thinking of who I am alone.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/c98476d/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-alone-a8d92df9c999cab12dfcf54e1f39e5b943dfdfab.jpg)
![I can't sleep. My body and heart are tired.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/0d0d1fb/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-sleepless-d00a631b021aefc8004c60c128a374fa786a458d.jpg)
![Time is a lost concept in these four walls.](https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/bce7645/2147483647/strip/true/crop/1500x1124+0+0/resize/880x659!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2020%2F04%2F07%2Fkravi-isolation-time-7ce5e89256c56cdad179dbff737acfcc438d57e0.jpg)
For the series, I chose instax as my medium as they're instant, raw and real. I wanted to capture a feeling, see it develop and hold it, touch it and play with it. To fill the gaps in the photographic medium, I used leftover paints I've accumulated from when I was in elementary school to intentionally further the emotion the image expresses. I used paint to create images on failed exposures. I ran out of film and didn't have access to more because of the lockdown. I had to get creative with what I had — a metaphor for the time we're in.
Kisha Ravi is NPR's Visuals Team intern.
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